Brutally Honest

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Well, guys.  This isn’t going to be the usual Crazy A post.  Probably because I don’t feel like the usual Amie.  I’m going to be brutally honest about my life right now.  Brutally.

I’m not doing this to receive likes, or for sympathy.  I’m doing this because someone out there is going through something similar, and they need to know that they’re not alone.

I’ve hinted that my life hasn’t been easy.  Since March I’ve been struggling with things.  I’m not going to give you a whole run down on everything because that would take too long, and you would be bored by the end of it.

But in March, I just kinda lost my drive.  Lost my want to do anything.  I lost me.

And that was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me.

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There’s this part of me that’s outgoing, bubbly, fun-loving, and takes everything in a stride.  It felt as if she was frozen inside of me, and instead of pushing me onward, dreaming huge dreams, and having ambitions, she was a heavy weight that pulled me down in the sea of life.

And I was afraid she wouldn’t come back.

I didn’t want to get up in the morning, and I ate constantly, hoping that eating would help her come back.  She came back for short snippets, but I felt so alone, so lost, and so empty.

During this time, my dad was having tests because the doctors had noticed something wasn’t right.  At the end of March, he went in to have a scope of his pancreas, which led to pancreatitis, and a rushed visit to the ER, which ended with him staying in the hospital for a week.

A week in which my brother and I were responsible for watching my siblings.

The day that my dad left for the hospital, I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time.  I was scared and I was mad.  The part of me that was frozen, dead-weight was heavier than ever before.  I tried calling my best friend, but she didn’t answer, and I felt so alone in that moment.

But here’s the part you need to know before you feel sorry for me.  I chose to be alone.  My siblings were downstairs.  Most, if not all, of them came upstairs to check on me.  My three-year-old sister hugged me, but I sent her away.

I have this strange idea that I have to protect myself from other people loving me.  I have to keep myself to myself, and just be a happy friend, a listening friend, a loving sister to the people around me.  And when I’m hurting, or alone, I should keep to myself.  No one wants my emotional baggage, right?

WRONG.

We weren’t born into this world to live alone.  A quote that I love by George MacDonald says, “The desire to be loved–which is neither wrong nor noble, any more than hunger is either wrong or noble–and the delight in being loved, to be devoid of which a man must be lost in immeasurably deeper, in an evil, ruinous, yea, a fiendish selfishness. Not to care for love is the still worse reaction from the self-foiled and outworn greed of love.”

I’m selfish, because I believe it’ll be easier for everyone involved if they don’t have to take care of me.  My mom and I were talking about this the other day, and she made a good point.  If someone loves you, one of the ways they want to show that is taking care of you, even if that’s only listening to how you feel.

And that night, or a few nights after, I was able to have an amazing talk with my best friend.  She listened to me, I let my guard down, and she cried with me.  And honestly, that made the whole week so much easier than it would have been otherwise.

She confronted me, and told me that I was living in fear.  And she was right.  I was afraid of change.  I was afraid of what might happen with my dad.  I was afraid of people hurting me.  I was afraid of being me, and I was afraid of being honest about how I felt.

My best friend is a prayer warrior, and honestly, I can’t thank God enough for putting her in my life.  I honestly wouldn’t know what to do without her good morning text.  But even a good morning text didn’t keep me from disappearing within myself.

When my dad came home, he was so weak from not eating for a whole week.  My mom was stressed, which was expected, but my home felt charged with electricity.  I felt in the way and like I was just stressing everyone more, and so I left to stay in my room.

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The next day was April Fool’s, so I was stupid and joined a prank online that failed.  The joke ended up annoying and hurting people.  It’s all forgiven now, but that night I stayed up until one, wishing I could cry, but not being able to.  I hurt so badly because I had hurt other people.  It was also too late for me to talk to anyone, and so I didn’t tell my parents for two or three days.  It just hurt.

That Tuesday I felt like the world was smushing me.  I wasn’t feeling well due to allergies (I had them so bad this year.  *groans*) and I just didn’t have the desire to live, or to do anything.  But you know what?  A friend sent me a playlist of songs, and as I laid on the floor of my room, I listened to truth.  Just plain, beautiful, truth.  I didn’t heal all the way, and the me I was missing didn’t come home, but the fact that they actually sent me those songs meant a lot to me.

(Music is such a personal thing to me, that when people actually send me songs, or care what I listen to, it means so much.)

I don’t talk much about my music on my blog.  It’s a part of me that’s like an emotional release.  Similar to writing, but to me music is more personal.  And I haven’t had any energy or desire to be serious about it.  The beginning of this year, I arranged three songs, and I played dozens of songs, but the past two months have been a dry spell.

I didn’t feel the need to play music.  I didn’t see how it would fit in my future, and I didn’t see how it was benefiting myself or others.  I was tired of trying to do everything, and tired of being me.

 Actually, I was tired of trying to be me when the person I always thought was me wasn’t there.

I felt like I couldn’t talk about it because there wasn’t anyone to talk to.  My mom saw something was wrong, and I can’t begin to say how thankful I am for her pulling it out of me and listening to me.

And then I had an asthma attack.  I’ve never had “asthma,” though for the last two years I’ve had trouble breathing, especially in the spring/summer months.  I spent a whole morning panting, because I needed to get through church.  When I almost passed out, I let my mom take me to the urgent care.  Thankfully, they cleared everything up and now I have the medicines I need.

But not feeling well depressed me even more.  I just want to disappear, but again, I couldn’t let people know how I felt, and so I just kinda pretended I was okay to all my friends.  I’ve never understood depression, I don’t know if I would say I was depressed, and so I didn’t want everyone to think I had something wrong with me.

I stopped eating because I just didn’t want food. Food didn’t taste good to me; I was unhappy, and I was mad at myself for being unhappy.  And so I was just in a deep hole, and I didn’t know how to get out.

During this time I got so many encouraging emails from my newsletter followers, and from friends.  But doubt crept in, telling me that they didn’t know the real Amie.  If they did, the wouldn’t love me any more.  They wouldn’t care for me.  They wouldn’t say those nice things or try to encourage me.

But I’ve fought the lies.  People in my life DO care.  And they want to show that they care by loving me, and by helping me out and praying for me.

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and my life has been rather on the strange side as my whole family tries to take care of him, and each other.  I’m trying to stay optimistic, to keep the me that has been frozen alive.  I’m forcing myself to keep on top of the things I’ve committed to, and forcing myself to answer people, to pretend everything is normal.

But not everything is normal.

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My life isn’t normal, and I’ve got to accept that.  There is no such thing as “normal” in the way that we think.  It’s something that everyone strives after, and someday we all have to accept the fact that there is no normal, or else we’ll live very unhappy lives.

The past week I’ve opened up to more people about my life at the moment, and so many people have begun praying for me and my family.  I’m hungry again, I’m happy again, and I’ve learned something.

We don’t hold the key that lets us out of ourselves, out of our depression, but we hold something even better.  We have the Bible, and that gives us the key.  If you’ve never read the Bible, if you’ve never spent time in God’s word, I would encourage you to start.

You’ll never really be happy and at peace until you meet the Prince of Peace.  For He gives us the peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

~~Amie~~

 

 

60 thoughts on “Brutally Honest

      1. Wow, Amie! ❤❤❤ You’ve gone through a lot. I am praying for you, your family and your dad. I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Praying for you, sweet girl! I was in a very similar place last year…but Good saw me through. Life can be anything but good…but God will ALWAYS be good. Please tell your family In praying for y’all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll continue praying for you and your family, Amie. ❤ When I first heard about your Dad's diagnosis, I hurt for you and your family. It must be so hard for you all.
      Praying!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my dear, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for being so honest and open. I’m certainly praying for you, and if there’s anything else I can do, please let me know ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Amie, I realize that that is likely the hardest-to-write post you will ever write, but my friend I am so glad you did. I totally struggle with some of the same things you mentioned, and it was so nice and refreshing to know that I am not the only one. I’m so sorry for your dad and I will keep him and the rest of your family in my prayers. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN! I know it is hard. This might be the hardest thing you ever write, but you did it! And that is all that matters. You know I am praying for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ll be praying for your family! Sorry y’all have to go through this. I know what it’s like – and you know, it’s okay to ease up on yourself and be like, “I don’t have to do anything right now because living is enough.” Wish I’d known that while I was going through some tough stuff last year … but it’s true!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Thank you for posting this❤️ I actually have you and your family on my prayer this since your last letter I just haven’t had time to write back. *sends virtual hug*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is so true! I struggle with the same thing and it’s still hard for me to just let myself open to people, even though I feel better afterwards and no one’s shied away from me because of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This must have been the hardest post you have written so far. Thank you for writing this—not only stepping out of your comfort zone but being honest, and inspiring others with this story. God is with you through this storm and I am OH so GLAD you are feeling back to your self.

    Remember that God will help you. I have not personally been in your situation, but I can say that through trials, if you spend much time simply soaking in time with the Lord (making those intentional walks with Star perhaps, talking with the Lord, etc.) He will teach you through this trial even when it seems horrible. ❤️

    God is with you, remember that!

    I’m praying for you, Amie.

    Annie aka Anna

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Oh, Amie. ❤ You didn't ask for sympathy, so I'm not going to give it to you (although you know you already have it), but whether you specifically asked or not, I WILL be (and have been) praying so hard for you and your family.
    Thank you, Lord, for giving Amie the courage to write this post and bring you glory by her honesty and open-heartedness in this trial. Please give her peace in the midst of chaos and healing in the midst of brokenness. Help her know that we DO love her, not just for any particular part of her character she happens to show to us, but for Amie as a beautiful, flawed, precious person made in your image and beloved as a friend. Show us the best way to care for her and her family. Work through them to show the world a part of your power and grace. We praise you for hearing every one of our prayers, and catching every one of our tears.
    In Jesus' name, amen.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Oh wow, Amie! I’m so sorry that this has been a rough season for you! I will be praying for your dad, for your family, and for YOU! Thank you for being so real on the blog and sharing your feelings and thoughts.

    -Bekah

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This was the most powerful posts I have ever read. And that’s saying a lot because I follow a lot of blogs and have been blogging for 2 1/2, almost three, years. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable, Amie. I promise from the bottom of my heart I will be praying for you. I already have. If you EVER want to talk about anything you can contact me through my contact page. ❤ ❤ I love you, girl, and I'm so sorry this is happening and happened.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Amen and hallelujah a thousand times over. Sometimes God lets you go through certain things because he wants to tell or teach us something. Remember that God will never let you go through more than you can handle and he will never leave your nor forsake you. No one’s life is perfect, and there will always always always be problems. But God will always be there for you. He sends people into your life to encourage you and gives you outlets. God Bless and I pray and hope that all goes well! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Wow. I really appreciate you being willing to share this with your readers – it was very encouraging to me. 🙂 I will be praying for you, your dad, and your family every single day!

    -Clara ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Wow I admire your bravery in sharing and I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this right now… I know this comment is just one out of a bunch of people saying that they’re sorry about what you’re going though, and that I’m just another person on the Internet who you don’t know very well, but I wanted to let you know that even if we don’t know each other irl, that I’m always here for my sisters in Christ and I’ll be praying 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Praying for you and your family, Amy. My grandpa has cancer and it has been very difficult for our family, so I can sort of imagine how you feel. Also I totally get the hopelessness. You can do it, Amy! Things will get better someday (at least that’s what we are supposed to think, right?).

    Liked by 1 person

  16. God holds you and your family so close, Amie. He LOVES you, knows you better than anyone else and He’s right Here. Cry on His shoulder, tell Him everything you are feeling—He cares SO deeply. Praying for you, Amie. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Wow! Thank you for being honest. I go through the same things some times, and this post was a reminder that:
    1) God loves me
    2) My friends love me
    3) Other people have the same problems, and I’m not the only emotionally unstable person out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Amie, wow! I’m not going to be able to write a good comment.

    But I want to first say, thanks so much for being completely honest! That’s like, wow! SO HARD!!!

    Amie, this sounds like something very difficult. I’m praying for you and your dad! You all need it! I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Please, please, talk to me when you need someone. I will always be there to pray if I can! Even if I’m not online, please tell me. I’ll get on some time and see it.

    Amie, if you just need to talk, please just tell me. I want to help in any way I can. And don’t think I’ll get tired of hearing it all.

    But if no one does for you and you can’t get anywhere, go to the Lord fully. (Well, actually do this immediately.) Share everything you think with Him, no matter if it’s wrong or bad.

    He’s always there. Amie, remember that you’re worth so much, He died for you. He has your every hair numbered, even when some fall out and others come in. He sees every sparrow fall, yet you hold much more worth than any sparrow. Much more worth!

    Amie, He could have just thrown us away after we sinned. Yet, He’s still there, asking for us. Wanting us to be His friends with intimate communication. Put your focus on getting closer to Him. It will improve your life. I know because of my own struggles recently.

    Just know that I think you’re an awesome friend. Even if you had some HUGE thing in your life, you’ve proved to me that you aren’t trying to hurt me.

    Just know that you are loved most by God who sees you as someone amazing! He loves you endlessly!

    Listen to this song. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! (The singers are super young here, and normally she plays the piano, but the words have remained the same.)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh, Amie! I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. But thank you for finding the courage to be open and honest about your experience. Speaking as someone who has survived tremendous adversity in my own life, I would like to offer the following advice: You will weather this storm, somehow. There will be more, but you will learn from each one, and emerge stronger and wiser. Remember, you are a very brave young lady with a wonderful future ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

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